100 Things I Hate About That Wannabe Diva Berry
by BlameItOnTheLoveOfRockAndRoll
Summary: Puck writes a list about all the qualities, flaws and points he finds utterly annoying and dislikes about Rachel


**_Why I'm doing this at 1AM on a school night is beyond me... oh well. TADAAH, a new fic. PARTTAYY!!! Yeah, this sort of occurred to me when watching POTC2 - don't ask how the idea popped up in my skull, it just did - while folding the laundry. Better get to sleep or my new Bio teacher will literally rip me alive for not doing the homework, but in my defence, I was busy... writing this fic :D_**

**_And I actually thought this was easy to write, but I found it a tad bit difficult, but I pulled it off. I used some sources to help me with the making of this fic. Without them, this fic would had been a complete and utter fail._**

**_Enjoy while I snooze for comfort and because my back hurts so much. OUCHIES._**

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I sit here at the back from everyone else in the Glee room, watching that so annoying wannabe diva Rachel Berry starting to sing her guts off; and clearly I'm bored out of my mind. Seriously I have better things to do right now then being here. For starters, after Glee I can continue with my 'conversations' if you can call it that with the diva herself, and later on call her those lovely nicknames she says are 'offensive endearments'. Please, offensive my ass, I say they are 'compliments' that are taken to the heart.

I swear to the almighty God watching over me, I frickin' hate Rachel Berry so much. How can everyone like or love her? She acts like one of those innocent angels, but when everyone is gone; her horns start to show, revealing a hot and sexy devil. And she is such a baby, she must be one of those 'daddies' little girl'… girls, whatever their eyes set upon they somehow manage to get everything they want.

Argh, I can write so much stuff about the slushied Gleek freak right now, in fact I will. Where is a piece of paper when I need it the most? Oh right, there is some on my lap. Thank god I keep a pen in my pocket incase I get a few digits from some lovely ladies so we can hook up and… do stuff. Cue an evil smirk.

Okay, here we go. My heading looks so gay, just gonna underline it for special effect… there we go, all better. Now, just what to write about the one girl I love to hate, hmmm…

100 Things I Hate About That Wannabe Diva Berry  
By the smexy and badass Puck

1) Her voice. I swear it makes my ears bleed everytime she opens her mouth, even if the reasons are good and bad

2) The way she signs off her name followed by those stupid sticker gold stars which probably cost $2 for a pack of 20 in The Reject Shop

3) She dislikes the adorable nicknames I give to her. She can say what she wants but I know deep down, she loves it, especially when it's none other than her knight in shining armour that says it to her. I mean who else is going to call her a sexy minx, a damsel in distress, pretty, cute, beautiful… okay, going a bit sappy here, stop

4) She has a dad – well, make that two dads. Yeah, you're probably wondering why I envy her about dads, well, my jackass dad walked out on my mum, my sister and me when we were growing up and when we needed him the most. I do not want to become like that asshole ever, and I don't care what Quinn says to leave her and our child alone, I'm not going to abandon our baby

5) That there are so many times when she drives me crazy *anger*… and then there are the times when she drives me crazy *lovesick expression*

6) When we hooked up for a short period of time, she wouldn't let me touch her boobs. I mean, come on! I can go first base but not second! What is this?

7) Her chosen attire for the school days. I get all horny in my um… manhood department whenever I see her in one of those short _short_ skirts that you can almost see her ass

8) She broke up with me. Me, Noah Puckerman. No one and I mean _no one_ breaks up with me. She must regret her decision now since I notice from the corner of my eye that she stares at me when I talk to other girls. That's what she gets for breaking it off with a sex god

9) Her chocolate hair is so wavy and makes me want to just run my hands through those silky locks, and her mocha eyes are so hypnotizing you would wish it was a swimming pool because you deeply want to swim in them… crap, get this lovey-dovey crap out of my head

10) She dislikes my Mohawk. I know what you are thinking, how could she not like this? It's like my trademark signature and everyone loves the 'hawk! But like I wrote before, deep down she loves it so much and I know for sure she wants to run her tiny and gentle hands through it

11) She states and I quote, _"I can resist you."_ Psshh, please no one can resist Noah Puckerman, I'm bad to the bone. She is an addict and I'm the cure for her

12) She states and I quote again, _"I'm not like all those girls prancing around all desperate and such to get your attention."_ It's true; she isn't like all those girls who faint when they see me or get all shy when I give them a sly smile or a flirtatious comment. She is quite the opposite indeed, and I find that hot

13) Don't you hate it when people can't take a joke? Berry is definitely one of those people. One time, I swear that I was having some 'bonding' time with wheelies and gay-shionista – even if it was locking them up in the janitor's closet – and she had to go give me a lecture about how immature I was and how I'll be a young juvenile delinquent and blah, blah, blah… it goes on

14) Calling me a jackass, asshole, imbecile, juvenile, delinquent, crude, ill-mannered, bastard, dumbass, oaf, idiot, twit, bonehead, numbskull, halfwit, moke (whatever that means), blockhead, bogan, dorb, cocky, narcissistic, egotistical, freak, conceited, oppressor, bully, prankster, ogre, manwhore, stupid, unintelligent, fool, dunce, punce, dull, asinine, nitwit, smartass, neanderthal, simpleton… please, I've heard it all from her

15) _Not_ hearing her call me a stud, sexy, gorgeous, smexy, amazing, badass, hunk, hunky, hunkalicious, hot, naughty, seductive beast, knight in shining armour, handsome, attractive to the extreme, charming, her Prince charming, good-looking, elegant, exquisite, fine, brilliant, intelligent, hero, impressive, irresistible, hypnotic, majestic, regal, glorious… I can spend all day writing out all the things Berry can call me, but I would be dead with the list unfinished so no way

16) I developed actual feelings for her when we hooked up, and they were ripped to a gaztribimillion pieces when she broke it off. Of course, I have moved on… damnit I have! Let's change topic right now…

17) After we broke it off, she still has the hots for that douche bag of a friend Finn, who has the hots for that biatch of a girlfriend who I impregnated Quinn, who I think has some feelings for the muscled and toned being known as me, who still has the hots for… uh… um… well, I… changing topic again!

18) She loves musicals. West Side Story, High School Musical, High School Musical 2, that new TV show based on these teenaged students in some sort of musical choir group to which I have forgotten the name of the show, High School Musical 3, Connie and Carla… you name it, she fucking loves them. If she wanted to, she could marry them all. Sure I like them too – if they had a lot of frequent language and violence, and a good old catfight. If not, then nooo I don't like them at all. I did enjoy watching West Side Story with Berry once… but that was once and _only_ once…

19) The wallpaper in her bedroom is a rosy pink colour. Eww, me and pink – hell no. do you see a guy like me associate myself with the colour pink? Fuck hell no. Unless it's a rosy lipstick stain, I am not a gaybo who loves pink, that's Kurt, not me

20) The way she smiled at me when I sang that unforgettable song to prove that we could make it through together. I soo nailed that performance, in your face Finn!

21) Her beaming expression when she saw that I had chosen to be with her in Glee than part of the football team with that Tanaka coach that's dating that germ freak lady

22) Her kisses are soo amazing. No really, they literally are. For someone who doesn't have as much experience, Berry is one hell of a kisser. When we made out on her bed, I swear it was so erotic

23) I'm not a pervert, and it only happened once okay? I accidentally tripped and she happened to be standing in front of me when it happened… that was it. But I must say, her ass is smokin' hot

24) Her saddened expressions whenever she is bullied by the Cheerios. Just gives me a reason to slap all of them, even if I would be called a 'girl-basher', so what? At least she would know I have pride and dignity to stand up for people that I care about… used to care about, yeah, used to care about

25) I feel extremely guilty when I see or hear that someone had slushied cherry Berry… and that person isn't me. Gives me a reason to bash up the bastard whoever did that to her, they need to know the rules that no one messes with Berry but me, and if they break that one rule, they will wish that they were never ever born, and I mean it

26) After we broke it off, she still wanted to be my friend. Me, be friends with her? Maybe when the world is doomed then maybe, but no way would I be friends with her… or close friends for that matter, no… I'm serious about that

27) She acts like a total Princess, dresses preppy and walks with her nose up in the air – that is a wannabe, teacher's pet and try-hard for you

28) Her first name is Rachel, you're probably wondering why that is a point? Well, because I wanted to name my first kid Rachel when I was younger… I'm not gonna name mine and Quinn's kid that now, oh God no

29) Despite being considered low in the social ladder, Berry is one hot chick

30) Did I mention she is like a blooming rose, all delicate and beautiful?

31) Her lips are so scarlet-y and plump, and I just wanna grab her and press my rough ones to her inexperienced and gentle ones

32) Berry always uses strawberry lip-gloss which by the way is really tasty… especially on her lips

33) When I was slushied by some asshole, she helped me clean it off

34) When I was slushied by some asshole, she helped me clean it off and sat on my lap. The point above this is completely different to this point okay?

35) Her hugs are cuddly and makes you feel wanted… literally

36) She wants someone she can't have, and I want someone I can't have. Who it is, I won't say…

37) She likes grape-flavoured slushies. I like grape-flavoured slushies. I hate her for liking the one flavour I absolutely love and everyone hates

38) Her tanned skin is so exotic, it makes her mocha eyes pop out

39) No matter what others have said, her boobs are bigger than some girls in the Cheerios, as well as some of the cougars I have 'pleased'

40) Berry has luscious curves in all the right places

41) Closely resembles Mariah Carey. When I was younger, I was in love with Mariah Carey; I mean who wasn't with a hot bod like that? The bad thing was everytime I wanted to dream about her, Berry's face always came up

42) She looks exactly the same as that Lea chick from that new TV show, and yes it's the show that I forgot it's name

43) Out of all the girls in the Glee club, I would totally choose her to have a heavy make out session

44) Out of all the girls in the Glee club, I would totally hook up with her – _again_

45) Out of all the girls in the Glee club, I would totally nail her

46) When we have our fun conversations, she scrunches her nose with utter disgust, her hidden freckles popping out make her look cute and adorable and just like Bambi

47) Whether it's in my fantasies or reality, that diva makes me feel all lusty when I'm around her… I don't know why I'm controlling myself now

48) Whether she's on top or it's me when we both fall, the positions we are stuck in are very suggestive that make me go all lusty feely

49) She won't admit that she wants me… you know you want this man candy Berry!

50) Speaking of which, she doesn't call me her man candy. She should, 'cause I'm a flavour she craves sooo badly

51) For someone hot like her, she is a virgin. Yep, a stubborn and stingy prude… and that's the way I like them

52) Berry is a challenge, and I never back down from one

53) Yeowch! What a feisty biatch she is

54) Crack represents her, and I represent the addict that needs it

55) She is definitely my polar opposite. While I play for the football team and am a badass, the babe herself is a perfectionist freak who wants everything her way and is so stubborn

56) What a hot hottie she is

57) Like one of the hottest tracks goes, "Damn she's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch."

58) She seems to be supportive of my situation with me being the baby daddy of Quinn's kid. In fact, she always brings some books and other crap for me to have a look at to help me with this predicament… geez, like I need anymore problems I have to deal with

59) Defending me and my honour when that skanky Quinn called me a 'Lima loser'

60) Thinks my petnames for her are derogatory and offensive. Please, you know how many people – girls and boys – faint over the fact that I gave them a petname? Probably the whole school population, yes even Finn did that one time. Don't ask why though, his reason was so corny and gay

61) She plans to become one of those Broadway freaks

62) Speaking of which, she wants to make it to the big time and become the next Mariah Carey. Please, as if I don't get enough of her already…

63) Speaking of which again, I can't get enough of her

64) The only person she cracks it at is me, while I just happily smile and make her blow up more

65) But yet, she balls into tears when someone hurts her feelings and storms off… and that's when I come in to beat the shit out of the dude

66) Berry is a freak

67) Berry is a _Gleek_ freak

68) Berry is a _sexy_ Gleek freak

69) I should've slushied her face when I was approaching her with my grape slushie. Well to be frank, I was meant to, but seeing her panicked and frightened face… I just couldn't do it. Don't call me a pussy for that, have you seen how muscly I am!?

70) Literally, Berry can beat the dude out of you, especially if she is beating me. Wow, that just seemed kinky, great; she is making me feel lusty again!

71) Damn her for making me horny right now!

72) She's Jewish. I'm Jewish. Therefore, we are hot Jews together

73) What a gorgeous and feisty Jew she is

74) She considers that gay-shionista her friend, even after he dissed the 'hawk. NO ONE DISSES THE 'HAWK! I bet he's jealous 'cause I get all the girls and… I don't know who he gets to be honest, he's a weird kid

75) Her hotness coming into my dream one night. What's worse? She was wearing white, probably representing her as an innocent angel. What's even more worse? She entered my bedroom from my window. I've got one thing to say about that – hot!

76) She is the only person – apart from my mother – that I have shown my 'sweet', 'sappy', 'lovey-dovey' side to…………

77) We both have some serious chemistry with each other… even if we are in the same chemistry class together, but that's not what I'm talking about

78) She is not and never will be Quinn Fabray. Yeah, at first I hated that but now I'm quite glad about it

79) From hearing rumours, whispers and all that crap in the hallways, people are saying that Berry and I are really different and fun to watch because we balance each other out… what do you know, just like chemistry – and I mean _both_ chemistries

80) Oddly enough, when we were together, I seemed to develop more as a character and an individual, and somehow our relationship added depth to me, and I showed the diva herself that I am somewhat human… not that I'm not, though that would be fully sick man and… going off topic here

81) She changed me

82) She still changes me

83) She blabs on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and… hey, this is fun, but I'll stop

84) She rinsed the slushie out of my mohawk in the bathrooms, and let me tell you, it felt really good when her gentle hands roamed through my 'hawk

85) I held onto her waist carefully so she wouldn't fall off my lap when washing the icky and sticky crap off of my 'do. This point isn't really necessary… oh wait, it is, her waist feels so good to hold onto

86) When I chose the Glee club over football to be with her and she hugged me very happy with my decision, she fitted perfectly into my arms, like we were meant to be together or something…

87) After telling her that I couldn't even hold onto a chick like her, she said I was a jerk

88) Her agreeing to make-out with me, although I must say I don't regret asking her to do it

89) Even before we dated, my mother has always took a shine towards that Gleek freak, so I'm guessing that's why she keeps telling me to date a Jewish girl – or probably hinting to hook back up with her – I will never understand the minds of girls these days, they change expressions more than I change my socks in a week

90) I heard from fake stutterer that Berry had a slight crush on Mr. Schue. So, she goes acting all lovey-dovey with Mr. Schue but can't admit she wants this man candy that will only comes once in a lifetime?

91) Her middle name is _Barbara_… no offence to her or anyone with that name, but that's just sad. I mean think about it, _Rachel Barbara Berry_? Actually, now that I wrote it down, it has a nice catch to it, hehehe…

92) Is a major big fanatic of the irresistible Rachel Berry

93) She's so bossy, telling others what to do, sometimes thinks of herself and is obsessed with fame

94) Getting all prissy and agro when Mr. Schue allowed the K-man to audition for some part which is normally sung by a woman. I mean come on, give the guy a break! It's not his fault he likes that stupid musical… to which I don't know the name of, I forgot what it was? Oh wait, oh nope, never mind, I won't remember anyway. Alright, moving on

95) She is always on lead vocals, and even though at the start I said her voice is utterly annoying because it is… when she sings, it's like she is an angel sent down from the Good lord above in heaven, and you just have the urge to scream out loud, "Hallelujah!"

96) That two-timer of a friend Finn is probably one of her weaknesses… but not for long, because I know deep down she wants to be back with me

97) I know it, she knows it, everyone in the damn school knows that she has the hots for me. I'd pounce but first I'm waiting for her to make her move and then I will attack her… what a bad metaphor, no wonder I failed English

98) She is a MySpace addict. Doesn't she know that Facebook is up the ladder, and MySpace sunk low like the Titanic? How do I know this? I look at her videos on MySpace… what, can't I see what she has been up to that is not school related?

99) Everything from #1 to #99 – she is almost finished with her song, so that's why I'm hurrying up

100) As crazy as it sounds after writing this list, I absolutely hate that I love that Rachel Berry

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**_Awww, how adorable. Well, that's Puckleberry for you. And I'm working on the latest installment of OP:OTG so don't fret. Geez, I am really lacking sleep lately... at least I can make up for the time next week because that's when I finish school for 2 months HURRAH!!!_**

**_It's time... you should know by now or else *tries to do an evil glare, but snores her butt off*_**

**_(from the eppie Pizza Delivery)  
(SB and SQ are making their way through the wilderness)  
Sq: *in pain* Ow, ow, ow...  
SB: *singing* The Krusty Krab pizza, is the pizza for you and me, the Krusty Krab pizza, is the pizza -  
Sq: And my feet are killing me_**

**_Well, off to sleep in wonderland until I'm woken up by someone. Argh._**

**_Anyhoos, SMIGGLE!!!  
R&R!!!_**


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